Leila at Bookshelves of Doom linked to this piece on The Awl about YA authors' experiences with shoplifting. I do remember at some point as a child getting the feeling that Your First Shoplifting was some kind of weird rite of passage, but one that I was definitely too chicken to do. I was a Rule Follower to a nutty and inconvenient extent--when my kindergarten bus driver tried to give me a candy bar, I refused to take it because he was A Stranger; weirdly, he shoved it into a pocket of my backpack on my way out of the bus. I brought it home and sobbed hysterically while my father ate it, convinced that it was poison. When the same bus driver (quite the stand-up guy, who used to leave us on the bus while he parked outside convenience stores to buy packs of cigarettes) dropped me off across the street from my house and my dad wasn't there to meet me (again, KINDERGARTEN) I refused to cross the street or to talk to the nice neighbor lady who came out to help me (STRANGER), so she had to go up and down the block ringing doorbells to find out where I belonged.
Anyway, I clearly never shoplifted. But I do vividly remember two incidents that are in the general neighborhood of shoplifting:
1) I am four years old. I have a forbidden piggy bank stuffed with money from birthdays and Christmases and relative visits. I also have a vague, dawning sense that said money can be exchanged for goods, namely candy or ponies, in the store. I take out a five-dollar bill. When questioned, I claim that it was on the ground, behind the toilet, and I found it there SO IT'S MINE, ALL MINE.
Outcome: Tears, a Long Talk About Honesty, and a savings account that I can't break into with my grubby little hands.
2) I am nine years old. I have to go to church on Sunday but frankly, after spending all week in Catholic school, it seems a little redundant. I spend most of mass doodling on the church bulletin with the golf pencils placed in the pews for some kind of churchy pledge drive. In order to have a solid writing surface, I pull a hardback hymnal onto my lap. At the end of mass, I collect my things, including my doodled-upon bulletin still wrapped around the hymnal. Accustomed to having a book under my arm at all times, I do not notice that I have Stolen From God Himself until we pull into the parking lot of my dad's apartment complex.
Outcome: Hysteria (because I am Going to Hell, obviously), a lot of poorly-masked parental laughter, a quick trip back to church.
What about you? Were you like the Cool Kids on TV, or were you a rule-following nerd like me, Libba Bray, and John Green? (Nerds FTW!)
Haha! This post totally made me laugh. :D Yet another reason why I like you—I was the exact same way. Rule-following nerd right here. The only thing I remember stealing was a quarter from my mom's purse so I could buy candy at our church's camp. (I must have really been paying attention during Sunday School. Not.)
ReplyDeleteIt's actually kind of funny, because when I did my polygraph, my brain was scrambling like crazy trying to come up with things I'd done that they might consider bad. The guy administering the test had to remind me more than once that they were looking for Criminal Code offences...and not all of the things I thought might be send-me-to-jail bad. And yes, I did mention the stolen quarter. :P
I should probably have mentioned that this polygraph was for a job with the police, not just some random lie detector test for criminals or something. :P
DeleteI was always a rule follower. This hasn't come up much in MG literature, but I wouldn't mind seeing a subplot. There are some kids who consider it. I think a lot of them never have the opportunity.
ReplyDeleteYeah--I think in fiction or on TV, it's usually either a little kid taking a piece of candy or a teen/tween whose "bad girl" friend is stealing cosmetics and wants an accomplice. There's rarely much nuance to the stories.
DeleteOh man, I can't stop laughing! These childhood memories came across so vividly. I love the bit about your dad eating the "poisoned" chocolate bar, and how you accidentally stole the church hymnal. My days of doodling on bulletins during endless sermons came rushing back to me when I read this. Maybe I should have stolen a hymnal, just to spice Sunday mornings up. Like you, I was a rule keeper and rarely put a toe out of line. And shoplifting? Never in a million years. Looking back, I kinda wish I'd maybe broken a few more rules. Just a few. :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, once my dad told me the candy was ok, I don't know why I didn't believe him. (Still, though, I think it was a weird move by the bus driver to basically force me to take it.) I never tried sneaking out, either, and when my older cousin picked me and my friends up from senior prom and gave me a bottle of wine, I was SHOCKED and made her take it back. She told my mom and they had a good laugh over it--and my mom kept the bottle for me until I turned 21.
Delete*raises hand* I am a total rule-following nerd. Ha! I didn't like getting in trouble as a kid so I tried to do the right thing at all times. :)
ReplyDeleteI was actually kind of surprised that they found any YA authors with shoplifting stories...I feel like we are, on the whole, a nerdy and law-abiding group!
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